The Ransom is Paid!

I've had so many thoughts stirring in my head as Easter has approached this year. In light of our earthly adoption process, I've been thinking about my adoption by God.

Let's be honest for a minute-- international adoption is expensive. Like really, really expensive. No agency can tell you up front exactly how much you will pay during an international adoption. If adopting, you sign (many!) forms agreeing to the amount you will pay for each part of the adoption process, and saying you understand that there will be "extra expenses" and they are solely your responsibility. At my bare minimum projections we will spend over $20,000 when it's all said and done and Lovebug is at home with our family.

That's a crazy lot of money. It's a great debt we will gladly pay to ransom our daughter from a life void of hope. Without paying this money, Lovebug would remain in her current state-- family-less-- indefinitely. We have to pay the debt required in order to be able to bring her home and call her ours.

At Easter, we remember a similar ransom that was paid a long time ago. You see, I was lost in sin and utter darkness. I was an enemy of God. I was an orphan in the world- without hope, without love. But Someone came and gave even more than $20,000 as a ransom for me. He gave His life.


As His blood-- His pure, precious blood spilled down over rough wood and pooled at the foot of a Roman cross, my adoption fee was paid in full.

Without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness of sin. Without payment, there is no adoption into God's family. Without great cost, there is no salvation for the lost. Without the debt being erased, there is no redemption from the old life. Without Jesus, there is no hope for the future.

The mystery of the cross I cannot comprehend
The agonies of Calvary
You the perfect Holy One, crushed Your Son
Who drank the bitter cup reserved for me 

Your blood has washed away my sin
Jesus, thank You
The Father’s wrath completely satisfied
Jesus, thank You
Once Your enemy, now seated at Your table
Jesus, thank You

By Your perfect sacrifice I’ve been brought near
Your enemy You’ve made Your friend
Pouring out the riches of Your glorious grace
Your mercy and Your kindness know no end

(Jesus, Thank You by Pat Sczebel) 

He paid the price to redeem my soul and then He conquered death! He died to bring us life! That is the sobering, awesome, gruesome, blessed hope of Easter. Praise the Lord.

Waiting...

And Joseph took the body and wrapped it in a clean linen shroud and laid it in his own new tomb, which he had cut in the rock. And he rolled a great stone to the entrance of the tomb and went away.

 It was the day of Preparation, and the Sabbath was beginning. The women who had come with him from Galilee followed and saw the tomb and how his body was laid. Then they returned and prepared spices and ointments.

On the Sabbath they rested according to the commandment.

The next day, that is, after the day of Preparation, the chief priests and the Pharisees gathered before Pilate and said, “Sir, we remember how that impostor said, while he was still alive, ‘After three days I will rise.’  Therefore order the tomb to be made secure until the third day, lest his disciples go and steal him away and tell the people, ‘He has risen from the dead,’ and the last fraud will be worse than the first.”  Pilate said to them, “You have a guard of soldiers. Go, make it as secure as you can.”  So they went and made the tomb secure by sealing the stone and setting a guard.

{Quotations taken from the ESV version of the Bible from Luke 23, Matthew 27, Mark 15}

The very good very bad Day

It's Good Friday. But it all started with Bad Friday.


Jesus knew it would be a bad day.


"Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.”  And there appeared to him an angel from heaven, strengthening him. And being in an agony he prayed more earnestly; and his sweat became like great drops of blood falling down to the ground.


He was mistreated and slandered.


The chief priests and the scribes stood by, vehemently accusing him. And Herod with his soldiers treated him with contempt and mocked him.


He was completely innocent, but He was numbered among transgressors-- hanging between two who deserved their punishment.


...he poured out his soul to death and was numbered with the transgressors...Two others, who were criminals, were led away to be put to death with him. And when they came to the place that is called The Skull, there they crucified him, and the criminals, one on his right and one on his left. 


He struggled for breath for more than three hours as darkness covered the face of the earth. Creation watched, breathless, as Jesus breathed his last and surrendered His soul.


 Now from the sixth hour there was darkness over all the land until the ninth hour. Then Jesus, calling out with a loud voice, said,“Father, into your hands I commit my spirit!” And having said this he breathed his last. 


But this was no ordinary death.


And behold, the curtain of the temple was torn in two, from top to bottom. And the earth shook, and the rocks were split. When the centurion and those who were with him, keeping watch over Jesus, saw the earthquake and what took place, they were filled with awe and said, “Truly this was the Son of God!”


And He was buried in a cave-like tomb as some of His loved ones watched.


And Joseph bought a linen shroud, and taking him down, wrapped him in the linen shroud and laid him in a tomb that had been cut out of the rock. And he rolled a stone against the entrance of the tomb. Mary Magdalene and Mary the mother of Jesus saw where he was laid.


But the story doesn't end there...




{Quotations taken from the ESV version of the Bible from Luke 22, 23, Isaiah 53, Matthew 27, Mark 15}

Feeling Down?

Is anyone else tired of being good at NOTHING? Maybe it's good for nothing. Maybe it's both.

Almost seven years ago, I put on a white dress and some flip flops (yes, truly!) and marched down a flower-littered aisle to my college sweetheart's waiting grin. I wasn't prepared to be a wife- who is?- and at almost 29, I still don't feel ready to be a wife some days.

Four and a half years ago, after all day labor that I didn't feel prepared for or good at, and a C-section anyway, I was handed a nine pound pink bundle of little girl. I felt like I was guessing and playing the trial-and-error game as we faced breastfeeding, diaper changing, mobile baby days, solids, sickness, and getting pregnant again not too long later. At the end of most days I can look back and point out some way I failed as a mother- yelling, cooking from a box, not disciplining, disciplining too harshly, letting a teachable moment slide, forgetting a promise, letting the kids eat candy, turning on the TV so I could have a moment to myself... you get point.

Two years and some months ago, we moved overseas and I became a language learner. "Language learner" might sound like an exciting title to you, but it actually sucks when it's yours. At first I survived everything- the grocery store, visits with friends, the pharmacy, riding a bus, putting money on my metro card, ordering at restaurants- with pointing and grunting. Humbling to say the least. Nowadays I know some words and sentence structures, but often my words tumble out in the wrong order with wrong verbiage I has kids three and wife at home stay. I even ask my four year old vocabulary now because she has surpassed my language skills. Embarrassing, right?

When all three of my "main jobs" are suffering and stuff feels out-of-whack... Hubby and I have a disagreement, the kids are acting like lunatics, and my tongue is too sluggish to say my name much less share a spiritual Truth with someone, it's easy to feel plain ol' down and depressed.

Sometimes I think that's exactly where the Lord wants me.

For some reason, when things are going my way, I tend to think I had something to do with it. I get this big ol' head thinking that life is going just right because I am some kick-butt awesome wife, mom, language learner. I actually think that things are smooth and cool because I am somehow good and can do all my jobs on my own. I stop seeking and trusting the Lord and start to juggle everything on my own strength. Usually that lasts all of about three days before I find myself back in the valley gazing up at the sky.

I try to be thankful for my down days, my days in the valley, because words have never been truer than these I read often in The Valley of Vision:

Lord, high and holy, meek and lowly, 

Thou hast brought me to the valley of vision, 

where I live in the depths but see Thee in the heights; 

hemmed in by mountains of sin I behold Thy glory. 

Let me learn by paradox 

that the way down is the way up, 

that to be low is to be high, 

that the broken heart is the healed heart, 

that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit, 

that the repenting soul is the victorious soul, 

that to have nothing is to possess all, 

that to bear the cross is to wear the crown, 

that to give is to receive, 

that the valley is the place of vision. 

Lord, in the daytime stars can be seen from deepest wells, 

and the deeper the wells the brighter Thy stars shine; 

let me find Thy light in my darkness, 

Thy life in my death, 

Thy joy in my sorrow, 

Thy grace in my sin, 

Thy riches in my poverty, 

Thy glory in my valley.

Christmas Thoughts

She wasn't married. But she was pregnant.

In her time, in her society, pregnancy outside of marriage was not acceptable. It caused more than curious glances and shoulder shrugs by passersby.

It was a crime punishable by death.

And yet this was the way He chose to reach out to humanity.

~~~~~~~~~~

He was a hard worker. A faithful man, and yet it appeared his betrothed had not been.

His dreams for a future and a family, crushed beneath the weight of an unexpected baby.

But a Rescuer, expected and anticipated by all of fallen creation.

~~~~~~~~~~

As beautiful and serene as we try to paint the Nativity, it wasn't. There was sweat and blood pooling around Mary as she pushed her Savior into the world. He didn't land in a confident midwife's arms, but in the outstretched, calloused hands of plain, hardworking Joseph-- the only one there to catch the baby, who would one day stretch out His own arms to save broken humanity.

~~~~~~~~~~

God didn't send the angelic choir to give the news to the most important people of the day-- most of us would have invited the governor, the senators, the city councilmen, the temple priests, the doctors and lawyers-- instead He chose to tell a rag tag group of shepherds. Men without beauty or wealth or fame. The most ordinary of ordinary. 

And He sends us a message with His message-- there is no one lowly or unworthy for this baby Savior... Come see! Come believe! Come be saved! Come all! Come seek the baby Savior!

~~~~~~~~~~

A King for all mankind, not robed in purple, but swaddled in plain cloth.

A Savior for the people, not hailed by the masses, but adored by dirty shepherds in a dingy stable.

It's a story riddled with scandal. If we hadn't have heard it so many times before, it might surprise us-- the way God chose to wrap Himself in flesh and present Himself to the world. 


But as we gaze upon the baby in a wooden manger bed, and see through His story, to the hard wood of His cross etching its marks forever upon His body of flesh, we can rejoice and with the angels sing

Joy to the World the Lord has come!Let earth receive her king!Let every heart prepare Him room!

I Won Today

I won a blog giveaway today.

I won $100 cash to give away to someone else from Nancy Ray Photography. Isn't that awesome and christmas-y and fun??????

It would be if I wasn't such a wretched, sinful being.

You see, the original giveaway was for an iPad2 PLUS $100 cash to give away to someone in need. All you had to do to enter was leave a comment saying what you would do with the $100 if you won. Cool, huh?

Note: Honestly I would never pay for an iPad. I have an iPod touch (although the screen is busted) and an iPad just seems like a toy to me... a toy I could never justify paying that much money for. But to win one for free from a blog giveaway? Cool. I'm down. Hubby said that if I won (a long shot at best!) we could sell the iPad and put the money into our adoption fund. So I entered- hey everyone else online was doing it.

I mentioned here that Hubby was doing disaster relief work a couple weeks ago. He was helping to build shelters for families who have been displaced by a major earthquake in Van, Turkey. As he told me about how cold he was (wearing three layers of bottoms and four or more layers of tops... edit: Hubby just told me he was wearing SIX layers on top!), and sent me pictures like this...

...my heart was saddened. These kids don't have any coats on! (And it had started snowing while Hubby was there! It's cold y'all!) As a mama, my heart aches when I see children in need around the world. Children going without the things- like coats- that my children (AND ME!) take for granted every single day.

So on the iPad giveaway blog, that's what popped into my head! I would take the $100, buy as many kid-sized coats as I could, and I would cargo them to one of the men Hubby met while working in Van. It sounded like so much fun as I thought about it... Of course it would be a family affair to take the kids out, bargain for the coats to be cheaper (I love living overseas!), talk to the Bugs about how wealthy we are compared to the rest of the world, and how awesome it is to be able to give to others... yada yada yada.

(I don't mean yada yada yada like this isn't important. This is very important.)

The problem is that I have a wicked heart and tonight I glimpsed again just how wicked.

My friend called me to tell me I had won a giveaway on Nancy Ray's blog. NO WAY! I exclaimed and laughed as I pictured myself checking Facebook on my brand new iPad. Visions of the kids and me cuddled up watching Mickey Mouse episodes together on the shiny iPad screen danced in my head.

She went on to explain that it wasn't the iPad I had won, but a generous anon had given an extra $100 to be given away and I had been chosen to give that $100 away.

SAY WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?


Inside, my mini-me sinner started stomping her feet. No iPad? Her lips pursued into a pouty grimace. No new toy for me?  Her sense of entitlement screamed-- only $100 to give away? But what about ME? What do I get?


I am ashamed to tell you about all this. It's hard to realize (yet again) that I am a sinner, and to be transparent with others is even harder. But I can't just let you read my comment on Nancy Ray's blog and think-- oh what a great little Christian girl! She's so happy to buy coats for those poor children and bless them this Christmas! Her first thought is probably simply for others as she spends her life working overseas.

Because that ain't how it went down y'all. But I'm happy to report that with the help of the Holy Spirit, I was able to recognize my thoughts and attitude as sin, and ask God to forgive me. I was being selfish, petty, self-centered, entitled, jealous, and I was coveting a stupid iPad. And tomorrow morning, we will bundle our three little Bugs up in their coats, we will head over to the local bazaar and I will bargain my heart out to get as many coats as I possibly can with that $100. And we will talk to them about needs and wants and how important it is to care for the poor and the helpless and the widow and the orphan. And I'm pretty sure as we walk home with all our coats in hand to box up and send, I'll realize what a precious gift this experience has been to me.

So anonymous donor, whoever you are, thank you. Thank you of course, for making it possible for some kids in Van in the snow to have new warm coats.

But thank you from me too. If you hadn't given that money for the extra giveaway, I would not have had the chance to see my sinfulness in this way, and be forgiven. I maybe would not have seen so clearly this Christmas how selfish and petty my heart (still) is. And I wouldn't have had the opportunity to step outside of my self, my family, my Christmas, my life for a few minutes and experience the awesome joy of doing something generous for someone else. And I might not have had the chance to have those important conversations with my kids. So from the bottom of my heart, Thank You and Merry Christmas!

(I will hopefully have a chance to blog this week about buying the coats and mailing them off...)

More on Christmas Contentment

I wrote yesterday about changing Christmas by seeing our selfishness, materialistic tendencies and lust for more during the Advent season, as sin and desiring severance from it.

Today I read the most beautiful and frankly-stated article by Jen Hatmaker called The Christmas Conundrum. If you are a Christian parent, will you take ten minutes and go read it today? Make yourself a cup of apple cider or (insert other wintry beverage of your choice here) and open your heart to the ideas that Jen shares about this time of the year as believers.

Pictured: Our Jesse Tree this year was so easy (and cheap!) that you could do it too.
We use the Devotional Guide by Ann Voskamp (It's free to download!)
I printed the book and bound it, printed the ornaments and backed them.
I picked up sticks outside (free again!) and stuck them in a $3 vase-- wahla! Jesse Tree is done.

I've also been hearing great things about Truth in the Tinsel, a guide for Advent for toddler and preschool-aged children.

Most Advent things do start on December 1st, but it's never too late! Find something you like and can handle, sit your kids down and start talking about the real reason for this season!

Contentment

One of my favorite parts of Christmastime in a Muslim part of the world where there is no Christmas, is how simple and un-materialistic Christmas can be. I can enjoy Advent and the simple joys of Christmas music, my favorite Christmas books, Christmas movies without feeling pressure to list and shop and invite and send and bake and fret.

I can go to the mall and it's just like any other time of the year- no CHRISTMAS-SALE! ONLY -- MORE DAYS TO SHOP! signs to draw me in promising to fill my shopping bags and empty my wallet simply because it's that time of the year.


My senses are not overloaded with the unnecessary. No one over here has an elf on the shelf. No one is mailing Christmas cards or lamenting the "costs" of the season.

(Of course, it's sad that on Christmas Day when our living room is abuzz with the account of Luke 2 and wrapping paper piles up as little ones squeal over new toys, everyone else is going about their daily business. And I miss seeing lights on houses, and being invited to Christmas parties, and eating every dessert on the table because hey, it's Christmas!)

Maybe you're finding yourself buried in lists of "stuff to do/get/buy before Christmas". Maybe you're dreading the credit card bills arriving next month because you have found yourself spending more that you should. Maybe the whole season seems riddled with selfishness and materialism to you... If that's you-- STOP AND EMBRACE THOSE FEELINGS. If something doesn't feel right, or you find yourself doing just because the culture around you is doing, stop!

As easy as it should be to keep my Christmas simple, I don't. I want to give my husband and my children awesome gifts. I want to outfit the house with more red and green and lights than is tasteful. I want to pick the best gifts for extended family and friends. I want to make the most delicious cookies and desserts. I always want to throw a party (or two)... Even with all the American hubbub of Christmas removed, I still want more! want bigger! want more expensive!

I was moved when I read this in Valley of Vision recently:

Heavenly Father, if I should suffer need, and go unclothed, and be in poverty, make my heart prize Thy love, know it, be constrained by it, though I be denied all blessings. It is Thy mercy to afflict and try me with wants, for by these trials I see my sins, and desire severance from them. Let me willingly accept misery, sorrows, temptations, if I can thereby feel sin as the greatest evil, and be delivered from it with gratitude to Thee, acknowledging this as the highest testimony of Thy love.

So many Christian families I know in America just seem to be going along with what our culture has said Christmas should be. We are letting the culture define a sacred time of celebration for us as believers! Friends, how can that be? Advent should be a joyful time of watching for his coming. Instead we've made it into a party for us- presents for us, desserts for us, parties for us, clothes for us, more than we need for us.

It's not easy to say no. I don't even live in America, but that didn't stop me from checking out Black Friday and Cyber Monday deals online. I keep checking and rechecking my gifts list and then buying something else because it doesn't seem like enough. I've had my tree up since before Thanksgiving, and I get a red Starbucks cup every time I'm at the mall.

Praise the Lord it is His mercy to afflict and try us with wants, so we can recognize our lusts, our selfishness, our pull towards culture as sin and desire severance from it!

Are you with me this Christmas? Can we stop when we feel those wants creeping up? Can we be still when our lust pleads with us for more? Can we praise God for afflicting us with wants this season, so we can ask forgiveness and be severed from those sins?

Mary, where'd you go?

Notice anything unusual about our nativity?

We can't find Mary anywhere!

I'm sure Mary was a good mom, but she was human. She probably felt like running away sometimes. 

That thought gives me comfort. 

As much as a love my children, and would give my life for theirs without a second thought... I've brought all this baggage to motherhood with me. My sins, my shortcomings, my selfishness and it doesn't take much to bring those nasty, ugly parts of myself to the surface. Often, I find myself wanting to run away from it all.

Thankfully, there is a place I can always run. 

In the presence of the Lord, I find compassion unending, mercies anew, and more grace than I deserve. He washes me clean from sin's blackness, and bandages my wounds with His healing words. He mends my aching heart and gives me courage to keep going.

Are you like our Mary today? Tired and ready to run away? Take heart and run to the One who wrapped Himself in flesh and came to be "God with us". 

Something New/Some News

It is with a heart full of joy and anticipation that we announce...

We are expecting a new addition!

The Lord has been working in our hearts for awhile now, and we feel called to begin the process to adopt a little girl into our family. I can't wait to share this journey with you...

We don't know many definite details now about where/when/with whom... we've been in a season of praying, seeking godly counsel, researching options, and waiting on the Lord. Stay turned for news and updates as we journey to bring our daughter, Lovebug, home!

⁴ But when the fullness of time had come, 

God sent forth his Son, born of woman, 

born under the law, ⁵ to redeem those 

who were under the law, so that 

we might receive adoption as sons.

 ⁶ And because you are sons, 

God has sent the Spirit of his Son 

into our hearts, crying, "Abba! Father!"

 ⁷ So you are no longer a slave, 

but a son, and if a son, then an heir 

through God. (Galatians 4)

Counting to 1,000

 

50. the magic of summer- heating lifting after dinner making way for beautiful evening at park51.  all three kids playing sweetly together52. soreness the day after exercise53. strawberries dipped in chocolate54. the privilege of praying for a friend55. frilly dress up clothes on a girl who thinks she's a princess56. sweet little ballerina girl in pink 57. precious boy waiting up for a goodnight kiss58. water59. feeling thinner and healthier60. waking up next to a smiling, snugly baby61. börek with potatoes and cheese for breakfast62. sunshiny days63. laughter echoing through the house64. a clean kitchen counter!65. dreams for the future66. strength to get out of bed in the morning67. Hubby playing with my hair68. kids with tousled bed-head (waking bright and early!)69. the weekend!70. lifting prayers together with brothers and sisters71. jokes between friends72. hearing "Mama"73. being adopted into God's family74. watching my parents talk to their grandchildren on Skype75. hungering for the Lord76. sweet texts from Hubby during the day77. thunder in the distance78. summer sandals79. legs to walk wherever I need to go80. a home full of beautiful things- comfy and cozy81. green grass squishing between little toes82. ice cream with sprinkles on top83. the coolness of the air right before a summer rainstorm

⁵ Let the peoples praise You, O God;
Let all the peoples praise You.
⁶ The earth has yielded its produce;
God, our God, blesses us.
⁷ God blesses us,
That all the ends of the earth may fear Him.(Psalm 67)

Moving... De-cluttering...Re-arranging...

I've been moving.
So, if you've run into some of my dusty mess here on Momfessions, please forgive me.
I know why people pay other people to do their blog dirty work-- because it's dirty work. And complicated, and not user friendly (if the user is like me and knows zilch about computers and the interwebs.)

It'll take me a little while to get everything the way I like it-- and I'm still waiting for my "naked domain" (momfessions.net) to direct traffic over here to www.momfessions.net. (I totally giggle every time I talk about my naked domain...)

As much as it stinks to sit here at the computer for hours on end writing code, troubleshooting, redo-ing and re-designing, it sure feels good to be cleaning up the place. I feel like a regularly scheduled maintenance is a good idea in every area of life.

My house needs to be de-cluttered, reorganized and shaped up every once in awhile (I mean how many junk drawers can one house contain?!) and when I let too much time pass before paying attention to problem areas (my closest, entryway closet, drawer in entertainment center, medicine and toiletry cabinet), handling these things becomes a really big, overwhelming job!

My heart needs overhauling and re-working pretty regularly too. It usually comes about through conviction from the Word and the Holy Spirit and takes much work to root out sin I have let take up residence and "clean house"! If I neglect regular maintenance of my spiritual life, I feel distant from the Lord, and often take my frustrations out on my husband and the Bugs.

Where do you need to show some TLC today? Maybe it's time to tackle a junk drawer or a sin problem in your life that you've been avoiding?

{1000 gifts}

31. Daddy taking the big kids out for "special daddy time"

32. being alone with the baby (who hardly ever gets "alone time")

33. iced coffee in the middle of the morning

34. hot showers

35. the feeling of Q-tips cleaning my ears

36. anticipating a visit from dear friends

37. lifting voices in songs of praise as one body

38. sharing a meal with brothers and sisters

39. milk chocolate

40. getting mail/messages just because

41. picking out the perfect gift, and wrapping it up

42. sitting on the balcony drinking tea with my love talking about nothing and everything

43. being adopted into the biggest, most wonderful family by the Biggest, Most Wonderful Dad

44. "water from the wells of salvation"

³ With joy you will draw water from the wells of salvation. ⁴ And you will say in that day:

    "Give thanks to the LORD,
   call upon his name,
make known his deeds among the peoples,
   proclaim that his name is exalted. ⁵ "Sing praises to the LORD, for he has done gloriously;
   let this be made known in all the earth. {Isaiah 12}

Free-Write Friday {5}

I feel my voice raising and it seems I am outside my own body as I watch me yell at my kids...

I weep over spilled salsa on the freshly mopped kitchen floor and the stress and frustration of a hard week pour from my eyes...

I feel biting words leaving my mouth directed at my best friend and husband, and wonder why I chose to speak at all...

I feel like Eustache, the boy-turned-dragon, (a figment of CS Lewis' divinely creative imagination) a disgusting creature with need for change

I yearn for the holy claws to peel off my nasty scales and make me whole again

"Then the lion said – but I don’t know if it spoke – You will have to let me undress you. I was afraid of his claws, I can tell you, but I was pretty nearly desperate now. So I just lay flat down on my back to let him do it.

“The very first tear he made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I’ve ever felt. The only thing that made me able to bear it was just the pleasure of feeling the stuff peel off. You know – if you’ve ever picked the scab off a sore place. It hurts like billy-oh but it is such fun to see it coming away.”

“Well, he peeled the beastly stuff right off ...and there it was lying on the grass.... And there was I as smooth and soft as a peeled switch and smaller than I had been. Then he caught hold of me – I didn’t like that much for I was very tender underneath now that I’d no skin on – and threw me into the water. It smarted like anything but only for a moment. After that it became perfectly delicious and as soon as I started swimming and splashing I found that all the pain had gone from my arm. And then I saw why. I’d turned into a boy again.”

{The Voyage of the Dawn Treader}

{1000 gifts}

15. starting the day hearing Hubby singing praises in the kitchen

16. ceiling fans!

17. baby sleeping through the night

18. holding the Word in my hands

19. blond boy playing contentedly with trucks and trains all morning

20. goodbye kisses each morning that hold the promise of return by evening

21. fresh fruit

22. curls of red cascading around a sweet girl's face

23. meeting a new friend at the park

24. brisk morning walk with lungs filling and releasing, body stretching and shaping

25. sugar in my tea

26.pants that don't need ironing

27. Hubby's handsome smile

28. the bread and the cup taken with brothers and sisters

29. sweet baby "crawling" on tummy determined to get where he wants

30. turkey pesto and cheese sandwich grilled to perfection

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice.

{Philippians 4:4}

{1000 gifts}

I am reading one thousand gifts by ann voskamp, and it's getting to me. Good getting to me. Cracking hard layers of ungratefulness and burrowing deep into my soul.

I'm feeling broken down by things I've believed about things I've believed about God. And about me. I know God will put all these pieces back together, and when He does I hope I'm a more grateful me. Me who breathes every breath with a fierceness for living and an appreciation for full lungs.

I'm seeking to be grateful and I want to share my thanksgiving, in hopes that it will inspire you to look to Christ. To see how much you too, have to be thankful for....

1. Grace, the amazing gift of God

2. the great love with which God loves me

3. the Word- alive, unchanging, true

4. Hubby's willingness to constantly serve me and our children

5. shrieks of laughter of children at play

6. baby soft hair

7. tea

8. the fresh spring breeze making my curtains flutter and dance

9. a majestic blue sky littered with wisps of white- simply glorious!

10. naptime rest for the children and their mom

11. meeting a new mom friend at the park while children run and play

12. strawberries, not the first of the season, but the plump delicious ones that come later and are so sweet on the tongue

13. barefeet

14. being made alive (Ephesians 2:5)

Free-Write Friday {2}

the rain flows steadily from the sky

it seems fitting for now

thoughts flow in and out of conscious thought

the quietness hugs me, bidding me come rest.

though unsettled and undecided about many things, my mind gives in

i surrender to sweet sleep

thankful i know the Sovereign One

and he will work even while i rest.

Free-Write Friday

My hair hangs wildly askew, framing my tired face. There wasn't time to fix it (or apply make-up) as I went through the motions of my morning. Coffee was downed, Bible was read, prayers were breathed, children were fed, diapers were changed, kids were dressed, baby was nursed, lunch was prepared...

I hear the giggles of children as they ride their pretend train (aka the couch) to some imaginary destination. I wish I was aboard. I need a vacation.

The baby is sleeping (finally) after days battling against a fever with medicine and constant snuggles.

I feel weary. I feel tired. I feel empty.

I can't count on one hand the number of times I've snapped at my children today. Upset that they're jumping on furniture, or spilling drinks, or being too loud, or waking the baby.

I'm frustrated with myself that I've been so frustrated with my infant's constant cries and whines. I wish I knew better how to ease his discomfort.

In moments like this I feel the most human. My emotions are raw, my body is weary, my soul is thirsty... I know that my calling is beyond my capability.

But deep within me is a thanksgiving song-- to the One who sustains me. To the One who wakes me each morning with life and breath and being. To the One who holds my children more tightly than I do. To the One who holds me as well.

My $1000 life

Last night I was lying in bed, bone-weary, listening to the snores deep-breathing of my husband, but unable to fall asleep. (Ugh, isn't that the worst?!) I pulled up an article on my iPod, and was immediately encouraged and challenged.

Go read it at Raising Homemakers: Spending Your Thousand Dollar Life.

Lately, 2 Corinthians 12:15:

I will most gladly spend and be spent for your souls

has been on my heart as I think about parenting, and I loved how the author of this article described my life so succinctly. I have a $1000 bill that represents my life. I have laid it on the altar... Send me overseas, Lord! Give me a husband to love, support in ministry and make a home for! Give me children to raise for your glory! Easy peasy-- I could easily hand my $1000 bill over to Him and be done with it.


But what I'm finding is that God didn't want my $1000 bill. He wants every bit of my offering, but instead He asks for a nickel here, a dime there, a quarter today and a dollar tomorrow.

Puddles on the floor from little boy in undies: $.25

Baby who wakes twice a night to nurse: $.50 (for each night-time feeding session)

Daughter having trouble obeying, needing constant correction and training: $1 per day

Picking up the toys (again) before Hubby comes home: $.01

Washing a load of dirty (read: nasty) cloth diapers: $.25

Rocking a snotty-nosed baby, so he is able to sleep: $.10

Taping a book back together after it was destroyed by little hands: $.05

Wiping a poopy bottom: $.05

Cooking dinner even though I'm too tired to stand up: $1 per meal

Greeting a neighbor and asking how she is: $.05

Inviting a friend over because she's having a hard day: $.50

Sharing a Scripture with someone: $.25

I'm finding it's much harder to give my $1000 to God in this way. And then when I read 2 Corinthians 12:15 again, I'm doubly challenged because so often I don't do these things gladly.

I don't gladly change diapers and pick up toys everyday. It's hard to gladly cook dinner and clean up pee puddles. I have a hard time gladly disciplining and gladly reaching out to a neighbor (because I'm tired and I'm grumpy). I don't want to gladly wake up twice a night to feed my baby (I would prefer to gladly sleep all night).

This great illustration has challenged me to get on my knees before the Lord, and re-offer my $1000 to Him daily. To let Him know that I'm ready to give it, whether He wants it in hundred-dollar bills, or in pennies. And then to humbly ask Him for the grace I need to give it to Him gladly.

{Love.}

7Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. 8 Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. 9In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. 10In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. 11Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. 12 No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us.

1 John 4